Parenting Troubled Teen

Once you enroll your child in our wilderness program, your “tool chest” will need to have specific tools for you to be able to have the most productive experience with your troubled teen in the next 6 – 8 weeks.

Your first “tool” in communicating is powerful and effective… now you have control, your child is in a safe supportive environment and you have his or her attention!

Receptive listening is another tool. This focuses on repeating what you have heard to ensure that you heard it in the way it was meant. For example, you may respond to a remark that connects love with bringing your child home immediately: “I do love you, but I can’t live with you and your behaviors right now.” If you need to express your own reaction to whatever you have heard, by all means do so, but do it in a clear manner. Your child is in a safe and supportive environment to deal with any emotions that arise from your letters.

Your child may make statements like “I hate you!” and “If you loved me, you wouldn’t leave me here!”
Children often resort to threats or name-calling to express anger at the action you have taken to address maladaptive behaviors.
• TOOL: Whenever your child lashes out about being here, practice your receptive communication skills.
o Again - hear, validate, and respond. Express love, but explain that you will no longer tolerate certain behaviors. Encourage your child to explore the feelings behind the behaviors. Help your child to distinguish between self and behaviors. The child is not the behavior! You might be surprised by what your child can teach you.

Children often resort to bargaining if they don’t get the desired response--Mom and Dad rescuing them.
Bargaining is probably the hardest form of manipulation most parents face. How would you respond to the following statement? “I’ve learned my lesson. I know you sent me here to keep me safe. If you come get me now, I promise to be good and listen to you.”
• TOOL: The best response is one from your heart. Assert the issues that resulted in your child’s enrollment and encourage your child to pursue answers. A child who has acted out over a period of time won’t be magically “fixed” in a few days or weeks. But your child can begin the lifelong journey of self discovery and of appreciating the benefits of responsible, caring relationships.

Over-compliance is another tactic your child may use by presenting as a hardworking, “in touch” child with a firm grasp on what needs to change. Time will tell the depth of your child’s sincerity. Remain skeptical of statements such as, “I’ve learned so much here and I’m ready to come home.”
• TOOL: Again, hear your child and respond with a statement along the lines of, “I’m proud of all the hard work you are doing. Keep up the good work!”

Another approach children sometimes use is called “splitting.” They will claim that someone is telling them that parents are the reason behind all of their problems. A child may remark, “The staff here have told me that you left me with baby sitters too much when you were working, and that is why I am the way I am!”
• TOOL: Respond by telling your child that you clearly hear what he or she is saying, and then give your own perspective. Do not allow your child to blame you! Your child’s feelings are neither right nor wrong. The feelings behind the perception need to be identified and addressed. Your child knows you better than anyone and is a master at this “tag team” approach. The best response is neither defensive nor antagonistic. Stand firm, remain calm, and keep the dialogue flowing between you and your child. Soon, you should notice that you are communicating more openly and honestly with each other.